All of you get your dirty little minds out of the gutter. I
am not talking about that. I do try to keep this blog somewhat PG except for
some four letter words sprinkled throughout just for flavor.
The big D that I referring to is depression. No one ever
wants to admit that they suffer from it. It’s so much easier to put on a big
fake smile and go through the motions of your day until you can get home, curl
up in a ball under the covers, and cry. Sounds like I know a thing or two about
it. Yeah, because I have suffered with depression for years.
There will be a lot of people who know me who will stare at
that last sentence wondering how I hid it so well. They will look back at
conversations and meetings to see if there were any signs that they may have
missed. Where there? Absolutely. But it’s easier to hide the pain instead of
fessing up to the truth. My depression wasn’t constant. It came in waves caused
by some stressful experience or situation. Project at work not going right,
lost my job and struggling to make ends meet, overworked and severely
underpaid, giving up hobbies that I loved because I couldn’t afford them, and
watching people have a good time when I couldn’t. Those have been triggers for
me. It would take every ounce of my being just function, to get out of bed and
go on like nothing was wrong. And very few people know the physical toll that
depression takes. It hurts. I remember how hard it was to physically sit up,
put both feet on the ground, get out of bed, and continue living.
But by the grace of God this is as far as it went. I haven’t
been on medication, probably would have been prescribed something if I went to
a therapist, but that wasn’t an option because, at my lowest point, I didn’t
have the best insurance and I didn’t want people, even my family to know the
Call it pride. Call it a protection mechanism. But why cause
more mental anguish by telling people that you are not well. Letting people
know what is going on with you tends to lead to questions. What happened? Why
don’t you just move on? You are not depressed, get over yourself. Shake it off
and move one. If it were that easy, there wouldn’t be Prozac would there…..
So what changed? And for the record I still get depressed.
But how to fight it? For me it has been working out and Beachbody. I found
Beachbody almost two years ago when it seemed like nothing was going right. I
was holding on to the promise of a pay raise, struggling not to make ends meet,
but to pull them closer together, and trying to keep some resemblance of a
normal life when everything seemed to be crumbing around me. I needed something
to take my mind off of what was not going right in my life, which felt like everything.
I needed something to do at home since hanging out was not an option. So for
some reason, I answered a random post on Instagram to join a Beachbody challenge
group. And it was the best decision I have ever made. Working out gave me a way
to get rid of my stress and I was a part of a group of people who were supporting
each other as we began our fitness journey. I had found my tribe.
And you know what. The two months of T25 came and went. I wanted
to quit lots of times, but I felt like I would be letting everyone else down in
the group if I did. This was the first time I actually finished an entire
workout program and I wanted more. Now, I can’t go a day without working out. It
is my therapy. A good sweat makes me happy (crazy I know, but it works for me).
I wake up every morning and press play. Sometimes it is a struggle but I know
that if I don’t get my workout in, I will be in a bad mood for the rest day. And
if I have had a tough day at work, I’ll work out again in the evening just to
make everything right with the world.
But working out is my thing, maybe it will work for you. But
everyone is different. If you are battling depression try to find something to
take you mind off of things. Go for a walk, listen to music, read a book.
Anything. And if things are really bad, please go see a professional for help.
I haven’t gotten to where I am overnight. It’s been a long
journey and one that I am still on. I know that I will have good days and bad
days and will have to deal with my depression here and there, and that’s ok. But it’s like Dory says… “Just keep swimming.”