Category Archives: Uncategorized

How I Silenced My Biological Clock

My Biological Clock is on Steroids

The holiday season has come and gone and I have officially moved into that glorious time of year between January 1st to the 16th when I contemplate my purpose in life and slam my head against the wall for operating well below my potential. This self-loathing now has a soundtrack. My biological clock.

Ever since I reached the lovely age of 30 and my Facebook feed magically morphed from party to pregnancy photos, I am constantly assaulted with the fact that I am single with no kids. This holiday season, it seemed that everyone else but me was either getting married or having a kid. Every other day there was an engagement or baby announcement to stop my thumb mid scroll and my ovaries tingle. Trust and believe that I am happy for my friends who are getting married and having babies. I so am. It just thrusts in my face with all the fury and tenacity of a Donald Trump tweet that I am still waiting for Prince Charming, it is well past midnight and my best and brightest eggs have been flushed down the toilet.

Life’s Plot Twist

I’m sure that there are a few of you out there who had this grand life plan. Married with kids by 30. Yup that was my plan too. But soon 30 turned to 35(damn near 36) and all I’ve got is a dog and cat. Yes, pets are kids. I get it, but they are not cute chubby cherubs that smell good. The closer I get to 40, the farther away having a family gets and that is terrifying.

Sure, I could go to a sperm bank, pick a guy from a catalog, and get knocked up by a turkey baster like many women have and I am by no means knocking their decision. All the power to them. But that’s not what I see for myself. I’m all about dating, falling in love, the wedding, family portraits and traditions. An episode of Scandal sounds more plausible than that right now.

Before you go there, yes I have seriously looked into freezing my eggs. That shut the door quicker than being shut down at a happy hour. If someone would like to donate $6,000 and inject me with hormones, I’m all about that. I’ll set up my GoFundMe page in a second. I could do it, but just the thought of going through what amounts to half an IVF procedure is not in my wheel house. Again, all the power and praise in the world for couple for go through IVF and any other type of fertility treatment. I can’t imagine what you are going through. All the praise to you and your journey. But what is this single girl to do?

Get Your Shit Together

Accept, acknowledge, forgive, and release that’s what. I accept that I am single. Acknowledge the feelings of anger, resentment, and want. Forgive myself for having these limiting beliefs, and release them. Maybe I am not in the right place for a family. Perhaps my biological clock needs to tick longer. Or I need to heal myself before I add anyone else to my situation. Who knows. But it’s ok. It’s going to be ok. This year, I have decided to focus on myself spiritually through mediation, A Course in Miracles, and Gabby Bernstein. If you need a change and don’t know where to start, pick Spirit Junkie or the Universe has Your Back. It has done wonders for me and we’re only at January 8th!

I’m not upset that I am not where I want to be. I am where I need to be. A cool ass Fairy God Mother and Amazing Auntie BeeBee and that’s all that really matters. If not, there’s always Janet Jackson.

Later Days,

B

Wanna Be A Bad Ass? Date Yourself!

Wanna be a Bad Ass? Date yourself for a week. I did. And it was epic awesomeness. Three weeks ago, I had the best week ever (still getting this consistency thing down folks so please bare with me!),

On a whim, I decided to do something different everyday after work, just to keep the momentum of the Summer of Bee going. And boy has it sky rocketed. Beyoncé should make an album about my week. It would be called Kool-Aid. As in I have drank the Kool Aid of the single fabulous life and I am addicted. The rules were simple: $20 or less and within walking distance from work. That’s it.

I Found Dory

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Just Keep Swimming, Swimming, Swimming

From previous posts, you know that I am huge Disney fan, so I had to see Finding Dory. And as luck or fate would have it, it was playing at the Prince Theatre, which I didn’t know played movies. $13 bucks for the ticket and $7 for popcorn and water, I settled in my seat for epic Disney Magic. I am not Siskel nor Ebert, so I will not review the movie, but go and see it!! I laughed, almost cried, gasped and was stunned numerous times in a 2 hour period. Dear Disney, I was not ready for the emotional roller coaster that you put me through, but I was glad for the ride. Along with my ticket, I got a coupon for the Franklin Institute’s Science of Pixar Exhibt. You can never have to much Disney in your life.

Asananas and Acrylic Paint

Tuesday was what can only be described as a kismet. I planned to attend a yoga class after work. I even made sure my outfit matched. When you work out at home, this is the least of your worries. Around 2pm, I got a Facebook message from a friend saying that she had seen my Facebook post about doing stuff around the City, and was wondering if I would be able to sit in for friend who could not attend Paint Nite.  The yoga class I planned to attend ended at 7, the same time Paint Nite began.  After a moment of slight panic, I noticed another class that was shorter and less expensive that would allow me to get both my Namaste and Picasso on.

I had the most amazing yoga experience ever. Even though I didn’t know some of the poses, it was totally cool. I got lost in the movement and crossed one thing off of my summer bucket list. A quick change later, it was off to Paint Nite. If you have not been to a Paint Nite, please go. It’s like Bob Ross meets Happy Hour. The teacher gives step by step instructions of what to paint and how. I’ll admit it. Several times I got lost in the brush strokes and let myself go. There are parts of the painting that I like and don’t like, but I am still searching for the perfect wall to hang it on. So share your story, you know never know what may be offered and don’t get stuck in a set plan. Zig and zag to make the best of a situation.

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My Masterpiece

 

Yoga and a Cheese Steak Wit Onions

Wednesday I was still basking in Downward Dog glory. I loved my yoga class on Tuesday and was searching for something a little closer to home.Enter Magu Yoga. This had me way out of my element. Yoga while squeezing a yoga block between your legs? Poses and vinyasas that I have never heard of before? Mind blown. Alex was amazing and helped with my alignment and posture. I didn’t know how fucked up my Chatagrangas were until Alex showed me. An hour later, I was in ecstasy. It was a yoga high that I cannot explain.  Between shavasana and mediation, I was the calmest I had been in forever. So calm that I patiently waited for the woman in front of me to get all of her belongings just to get my flip flops. So calm that I didn’t break a sweat as I circled the block three times for a parking space by Dalessandro’s and it was so worth it.

There is nothing that makes this Philly girl’s heart sing more than a no-frills cheesesteak place. But how about one that sells beer as well? SOLD! Along with my scrumptious cheese steak, I had potato chips and a Grapefruit Shandy. If you have not tried the Grapefruit Shandy, please do. Was Dalessandro’s as much as it’s cracked up to be? Yes, that and then some. I have never had a cheese steak that was like eating butter. The bread was so soft and the meat cooked to perfection and the Shandy was the best way to was it down. It was worth the trip for one of the best cheesesteaks I’ve had in a while.

A Beer with A View

Thursday was a dreary day weather wise but not for my week o’ dates. Summers are for happy hours so I stopped by one hosted by some close friends at TGI Friday’s. I always like to support those around me and who doesn’t love good conversation and drinks. After a beverage and a hot dog (it was free), I decided to venture next door to Assembly, the new roof top bar at the Logan Hotel.  As I walked towards the elevator, I was met by a lovely attendant who told me that due to the rain the rooftop was closed and that they would text me when it was open.  I just grabbed a beer ($6.00 – this will be important later),trolled social media, and planned some blog posts while I waited out Mother Nature.

Soon my phone notified me that the rooftop open. I was escorted (yes escorted) to the bar. I felt somewhat important for a second, until a server asked me if there was someone on the elevator with me. No bitch, I just came up by myself like I owned the place. I should have known then that my relationship with Assembly would be a short lived one. I quickly glanced over the bar menu and saw they had Corona for $6 (again, this will make sense soon). I ordered one, which according to the menu should be $6. When my man said $9, I thought I misheard him. My suspicions were confirmed when he took my $9. It’s not his fault for the upcharge. He just works there. Like Elsa, I let that shit go.

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Yes, this is the most expensive Corona Ever!

I am A Bad Ass

I honestly tried to enjoy the view. I tried to enjoy my absurdly overpriced  Corona, I tried to enjoy the atmosphere, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get into. I realized then and there over my ridiculously expensive imported beer that I am not about this life. I am not one to see and be seen. I don’t need to be in the hot spot to feel like I made it. And that is fucking liberating. To finally realize who you are and NOT be ashamed of it is pretty bad ass, Wonder Woman here I come. I did something that I never do. From my early drinking days at University of Delaware. I was taught not to waste a drink. You get a drink, you finish it. End of story. With my new found badassness  and big girl pants. I put my Corona (I had like a 1/4 of the bottle left) and walked out. BAM! And another first, I actually left when I felt uncomfortable. I would usually stay hoping that unicorns and rainbows would magically appear and make everything right. But not today. I wasn’t feeling the room, so I left the room. Damn that felt good.

Foods, Brews, and A Kick Ass Time

As my week of awesomeness came to an end on Friday, I had my sights and taste buds ready for Buck-A-Shuck at the Oyster House. I hade been dreaming of my dozen oysters and beer for what seemed like forever.To my shock, horror, and dismay, The Oyster House was packed. Not a seat to be had.  I went to another bar that was having Buck-A-Shuck happy hour, Pennsylvania 6, only to find that there were no seats at the bar either. Again, I could tuck tail and run or make the most out of this situation. I used the Spotluck app to see what else was around. Fergie’s Pub it was. I was a little skeptical. No one was at the bar, It was practically empty. “Just go in and sit down,” my gut said. So I did. What followed was the most amazing four hours. From beer tasting (thanks to an awesome bartender) to conversations about steam trains, camping, and talking with a guy who is Anderson Cooper’s second cousin. I mean I couldn’t make this up if I tried. And I wouldn’t want to. Before I knew it, its was 10:30 and Cinderella had to get home.

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One of the Delicious Beers at Fergie’s Pub

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And one of it’s friends…

Final Thoughts… Like I haven’t Had Enough Things to Say

For those five days, I was a totally different person. I guess, I was finally me. I usually go with the flow, but this was different, I got out of my rut and lived. There was no more going home and Netflix and Chill (that is reserved for Sundays). I got out and experienced life. For those 5 days, I was living and it felt damn good! So. ladies. If you want to be a bad ass, go date yourself for a week, It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Go to the movies or happy hour. Take a class or go out to dinner BY YOURSELF! If you don’t know what you want in life, who else will?

Later Days,

B

 

How I Conquered My Soft Pretzel Habit

Well, I did it! I finished the Ultimate Reset. Yes it was a couple of weeks ago, and yes I am just getting around to writing about it now. Don’t judge me Bro.

The Final Countdown

I went into the last week of the Ultimate Reset knowing that I had come so far and there was nothing that was going to stop me. I planned my meals, and by planned, I mean actually wrote out what I was going to eat each day (even on the weekends). I had finally purchased enough food (and then some) to last me the entire week. And I had made a commitment to myself to do yoga every day.

Before I knew it, Day 21 had arrived and it was glorious. I had completed the most intense 21 days of my life. I had made it to the finish line. You know by now that I keeps it 100%. So I do have a slight confession to make. I had a party to go to at 2pm on Sunday, so I go up super early and took my supplements and water as I was supposed to, so that I would be “done” by 2pm . Again, don’t judge me bro. I finished the damn thing didn’t I? I knew that I was going to be hard, and at times it was. When the cupcakes and salt water taffy were staring me in the face. When the lovely aroma of a Whopper Junior danced into my nostrils. Yes, the temptation was strong and real, but my resolve to complete this, was so much stronger.

So What Are Your Results?

Yeah, yeah I know what you are saying. Mentally you got your shit together, but what about your weight? How much weight did you lose? As I stated in my Day 1 post, the scale and I broke up a long time ago. I only know how much I weighed during week 2 (145 lbs) because I went to the doctor. But I did shrink a little. See for yourself:

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Photographer I am not, but damn that’s a difference!

Not to toot my own horn, but damn girl! And that is with no cardio, eating fruits and vegetables, drinking a shit ton of water, and taking supplements. How bout them apples? From my estimation (pants size) I went from a size 4/6 to a 2/4. Time to go shopping ( the Banana Republic Outlet on Chestnut Street is my new happy place).

Life After the Ultimate Reset

In case you are wondering,  I did have meat and dairy after the Reset. I did not eat an entire cow, but there may have been some hot wings, milkshakes, cheese wiz fries, and a glorious Dalessandro’s cheesesteak. And you know what…. I am not digging the meat. I can really do without it. I used to be the queen of the Surf and Turf (I was that 7 year old ordering lobster and steak at dinner. Thanks Daddy). But I am now Team No Meat, for the majority of the month. That doesn’t mean that when Shark Week comes around, I would deprive myself of the meat that I am craving, but it is not longer a staple of my diet.

Another good thing about the Ultimate Rest (there really are no cons) is that I learned to be adventurous with my food and cooking techniques. I used to cook the shit out of food. Like cook it beyond recognition. Zucchini isn’t supposed to be mushy? Who knew! A salad with only 5 ingredients can fill me up for hours and only takes minutes to prepare? Sign me up! Cooking is now one of the most relaxing parts of my week (besides yoga). I get lost in chopping, stirring, and sautéing and before I know it, 2 hours has flown by and I don’t have to worry about what I am eating all week. And me and bad carbs have had a permanent break up. Well, I do have a thing for salt and vinegar potato chips, I don’t know where that came from, but I have not had popcorn or a soft pretzel in about a month. These used to be required eating. Not anymore. It all about replacing food, not removing it.

My New Soulmate Workout

I also don’t miss cardio. I have been on the fence about what program to do now that I can workout strenuously. but my heart and mind continue to go back to yoga. I really have no drive to get all sweaty and throw some weight around. I’m saying that now, but things my change. Never say never. But yoga will always be a part of my workout/mindfulness routine, I think I have find my true soulmate workout. The stress and frustration of the day goes away after one big inhale. After one sun salutation, I am in the zone! After 30 minutes, yoga brain in full effect For the uninitiated, yoga brain is that blissful state when nothing matters, People could curse you out and you could care less. All is right with the world. It is an amazing and additicitve feeling.

Should You Do The Ultimate Reset?

This program was amazing!!! In three weeks, I got rid of my dependency on chocolate and soft pretzels. I found the calming and restorative powers of yoga and meditation, and that I sucked as a cook. The Ultimate Reset is perfet for those who want to make the transition to vegan or vegetarian, are looking to do a deep detox where you can eat, or want to get right with themselves. The program is super easy to follow. Everything is lad out and you just have to follow the plan. Is it hard? Yes. Will there be temptation? Absolutely! But you are capable of doing anything you put your mind to!

I sure was!

If you have any questions about the Ultimate Reset, or are interested in the program, comment below or email me at Bianca@beingbiancas.com.

Later Days,

B

 

 

 

 

 

So You Want to Do the Ultimate Reset

The Calm Before the Storm

I have always wanted to do the Ultimate Reset since I became a Beachbody coach, but it was expensive, way expensive (almost $300). So when it went on sale ($199, $169 with my Coach discount) I clicked the pay now button and immediately my stomach churned. I made the right decision. It’s time to make some drastic changes in my life, so why not go all in? The Ultimate Reset is in a nutshell a 3 week cleanse/detox where you take supplements and follow a vegan diet for the last two weeks. You can eat meat and dairy the first week. Since I am already mostly vegan since Frankie’s eviction, the diet part was not the problem. Well, maybe my weekly trip the Halal Cart (20th and Market #justsayin) was a bit much and I could (or could not) go without the large cup of coffee in the morning. I knew it was going to be intense. I was not prepared for what arrived at my door step.  Continue reading

Being Bianca S is Hard But It’s Getting Better

 

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Life is Hard

Being Bianca S is hard. Being 35 is hard. Being Bianca S at 35 is really hard. I must be going through some mid-30’s crisis because for the past few days. I have not been myself at all. Have you ever felt like that? You know that you need to move in a different direction, but someone has put crazy glue on the soles of your shoes and you can’t move? If not, I can tell you that it is the most depressing, frustrating feeling in the world. Knowing that you need to change something, but don’t know what to change or how to do it.

There was so much that I wanted to accomplish by 30: married, kids, house, and amazing career. But here I am at 35: single, a dog and a cat, in a one-room apartment, with a job were I get to listen to people complain 99.9% of the time. Sometimes when reality comes crashing into your face like a ton of bricks, you need to just soak it all in as is. Right now, it feels like everyone around me has their shit together, and I here I am standing in the middle of the street, in my underwear with my finger up my nose. There’s a visual for you.

People say that you shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone else and they are completely right.  But when you are in the midst of a total mid-30’s anxiety attack, it is very hard not to. It is so hard not to wallow in the pool of self-pity that is all the shoes, clothes, bags and experiences you can’t have because your wallet is empty. To be constantly reminded every time you scroll through your Facebook news feed that you are husbandless, childless, and absolutely going nowhere right now.

And that’s when it hit me. This is just “right now” not forever. There is a chance to turn things around and be who I am supposed to be. Boom – another wall. Who the hell am I supposed to be? Let the anxiety attack begin again. Let me let you in a little secret and maybe you’ve heard this story before. Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was taught that if you work hard, are respectful, and do what is asked of you, she will be successful. And she did. She worked hard, did everything that was asked of her and more, and then, shazam. She’s fired from her job, took a job at a much lower salary just so she would have pay check, was worked like a government mule until she couldn’t take it anymore. She left that job for another one, which while paying more, is mind numbingly boing and way to administrative for her liking. The young girl then goes on to start a couple of side hustles hoping that one will help her pay bills and pan out to become her passion all while trying to piece together some sort of social life to help her forget about her less than exciting career.

Sound familiar? Well, this has been me for the past three years. Going from situation to situation, trying to move up in the world and get my life together all at the same time. This has been the hardest three years of my life and there have been times when could do was throw my hands up in the air and said, “Lord I surrender,” because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the constant rejection letters from jobs, no one wanted to participate in my accountability groups, no one wanting to take me out on a date, no one to tell me that this is all temporary.

Yup, it took a couple (several) self- help books for it to finally get in my head. That this whole fucked up part of my life is just temporary. It could be permanent if I choose for it to be, but oh no. That is not the goal. I have big plans for my life and crying about (which I have done) is not going to change anything. Even when times are the hardest, you have to have that small glimmer of hope that everything will be ok and it will be.

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But Life is Getting Better

That’s where I am now. With strength, determination, and faith, I am going to get me shit together come Hell or high water (whatever that means). And if I can do this, anyone, including you, can to. Like Peter Pan says, “All you need is a little faith, trust, and pixie dust.”

Later Days

B

 

 

 

10 Ways to Have a Magical Disney Vacation

It’s a Disney kind of day in the Magical World of Bianca.

 

First I stumbled upon the most epic Disney compilation album ever, Disney Classics. It includes songs from Dumbo, Lady and the Tramp, the Lion King, AND TV themes (the Gummies Bears, Darkwing Duck!) and theme park music! My heart was nearly bursting at the seams when I realized that the Finale from Fantasmic was playing in my ears. Oh happy day! Then, my day got even more magical when I learned that the new nighttime light show at Animal Kingdom would be opening in a few months. Of course it is now on the list of things to do during my annual Disney World vacation.

 

What’s that you say? You go to Disney World every year? Why yes, yes I do, and I am damn proud of it. I am an absolute Disney Addict. The movies, music, rides, and food make me feel like a kid again. It takes me back to those years when I didn’t have to pay rent or work. You know, when I didn’t have to do the whole adult thing. As soon as I pass through that magical arch in Orlando, I feel like I am home. What do I do when I visit that most magical place on earth? Well in some particular order, here are my top 10 things to do when you are at Disney World:

1.)    Fantasmic – the most epic nighttime show ever in creation! The sights, sound, and songs are absolutely magnificent. Even though I have seen the show a few times, I could and probably will see it a few more times. You will be humming the song all day, until another catchy tune replaces is it.

2.)    Magic Kingdom –The epicenter of Disney Magic. But how do you do Magic Kingdom properly: 2 words… rope drop. Yes, get up extra early, you know you can’t sleep anyway, to see the official opening of Magic Kingdom! Oh what magical experience it is. Of course there is singing, dancing, a train, and fireworks. After the festivities are complete, run down Main Street and have your picture taken in front of my home away from home, Cinderella’s castle.

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3.)    Dole Whips- the first of many Disney foods and/or restaurants to be listed. Dole Whips, found only in Magic Kingdom, are cups or cones of pineapple heaven. You can choose to get it as a float, but that would not be a wise choice. I’m a traditionalist, in a cup all the way! Don’t eat it too fast, although brain freeze could be quite refreshing in Florida during the summer.10-ways-Disney-vacation-magical4.)    Be Our Guest – oh be still my heart. Beauty and the Beast is my absolute, all-time favorite Disney movie and now you can eat in the Grand Hall. It’s like being in the French Alps snow and all. Seriously, you expect Belle and Beast to start waltzing by. The Beast does welcome his guests to dinner and poses for pictures. The only restaurant in Magic Kingdom where you can get alcohol, and they have the grey stuff. It is in fact delicious. As soon as you know you are going to Disney World, start working on reservations. It may take some effort, but it will be worth it.

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5.)    Le Collier- This is a complete hidden gem nestled in Canada in Epcot which has the most amazing food ever. The steak and poutine… my mouth is watering as I type this. Even though I am no meat/no dairy, I will be scarfing this down for dinner. Did I mention the poutine has truffle oil? Best..Meal..Ever

6.)    Space Mountain – this ride holds a special place in my heart. It was the first roller coaster I ever went on when I was 7 and made me the roller coaster freak that I am today. My family was shocked that I wanted to ride, me being the quiet one and all, but I did it, and have each time I go back!

7.)    Character Breakfasts – nothing says Disney like taking a break from eating to pose for pictures with your favorite characters, sometimes in costumes. They come around to each table so no one is left out and you don’t have to wait in line. It may make breakfast last a bit longer, but it is so worth. Best character breakfast (food and character wise: Tusker House in Animal Kingdom)

 

8.)    Mickey Waffles – no breakfast is complete without Mickey waffles. That is all.

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9.) Buttons – If you ever go to Disney World for a special occasion… GET A BUTTON! First Visit, Special Occasion, Engagement, Marriage. The Birthday Button is particularly amazing. You get free cupcakes, birthday calls form Goofy, random people tell you happy birthday, Did I mention the cupcakes, because let’s face it, a birthday cupcake at 11am is only allowed in Disney.

10.) Wishes – cap off your day at Magic Kingdom with the nighttime fireworks display, Wishes. I admit, I tear up every time I see it. It reminds you that your wishes and dreams can come true, if you just believe and who doesn’t like a kick ass fireworks show? A trip to Disney is not complete without seeing this amazing show.

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Well, there you have it. I could have gone one, but I figured 10 was enough. If you have any Disney questions or a fellow Disney addict, drop me a note in the comment section.

Until next time, have a magical day!

B

How Cheesy Crack Sticks Can Keep You Employed

Sometimes just sometimes, my job can be a little, how shall I say this nicely, “challenging”. Whether it is dealing with a not so happy person over the phone or face to face, there are numerous times during the day when I want to bang my head against my desk to prove that 1.) this is real life 2.) I am actually awake, and 3.) to keep me from doing or saying something that will get me fired. Instead of one masochistic behavior, I choose another, snacking. Yes, snacking can and is good for you, if you choose the right snack. For me, cheesy crack sticks work for me.

Fruit, veggies, and nuts are all healthy and amazing snacks, which you should each by the way, but nothing makes me feel like I am floating in the clouds surrounded by rainbows and unicorns than a couple of soft pretzels, a bag of cheese puffs or a couple of fun sized Snickers bars. There have been days, today included, when I have brought healthy snacks with me to work, but will still go get a bag of cheesy crack sticks (cheese puffs) from the vending machine after a difficult phone call. I know that I should eat the tasty blood oranges from Trader Joe’s, but they don’t soothe the savage beast like the cheesy crack sticks do. Why is that? Seriously, why does crappy food make my feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

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The ultimate mood stabilizer

After some extensive research (Googling), I found scientific proof that cheesy crack sticks of goodness were in fact, responsible for my improved mood. According to a study by the University of Leuven in Belgium, people who were given a saline solution while listen to depressing music and viewing pictures of people with sad facial expressions became 4% more depressed, while those given a fatty solution under the same conditions where hardly affected.

Say what?!?! There is scientific proof that those cheesy crack sticks are a mood enhancer? The research shows that the improved mood is not only caused by the taste and feel of crappy food, but also a chemical reaction in our brains and tummies that make us snap back to Happy Land. Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus, for proving that I am not completely losing my mind in my assumption of the power of crappy food to mellow out the mind. While I won’t switch to a diet made up of only Butterscotch Krimpets, Soft Pretzels, and cheesy crack sticks, at least my anxiety can be put at ease knowing that these no-so-good for you foods are doing their job of stopping me from putting my head through a wall during normal business hours.

So when you are about to jump off the deep end at work and possible do something that will land you a meeting with the HR Department, back away from the ledge and go get a bag of chips, cookies, or a cupcake. You, your coworkers, and your employment status will be grateful for the decision. Me, I am going to raid the vending machine and stock up on cheesy crack sticks. One must always be prepared.

Later Days,

B

 

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The Joys of Being Single and Maybe Not…

Yes, I proudly wave my single girl flag and shout it from the roof tops. The truth is, while I want to be in a relationship, being in a relationship doesn’t define me. I am perfectly happy going to concerts, dinner, and social outings by myself, but is being single all it’s cracked up to be?

I am totally comfortable and happy with being single and living life by my terms; however, there is a part of me that is longing to be a wife and mother. I look at my friends who are married, engaged, have kids, or dating and think “yeah them, but why not me?” Why am I over here, trying every dating site, app, happy hour and mixer in the world to find someone and I am still fucking single? Is the universe conspiring against me? Is this a mid-term exam? Is there anyone out there for me? Bueller? Bueller?

Don’t get me wrong, I love my independence. I can go wherever, whenever, and do whatever I want no questions asked. But at the end of the day, Battista and Bean are not the best conversationalists. They are more concerned with meals, snacks, tummy rubs, and kisses. It’s great, but it’s not enough. They don’t replace human interaction. It just feels like there is something missing in my life. It would be nice, really nice, to come home to someone, to share experiences, talk, snuggle, travel, to live life with. How do I overcome this hellacious paradigm of wanting to be free but wanting to settle down? Is it possible to really do both?

We hear it all the time that women can have whatever they want. But what if the two things that you want inherently contradict each other? I am independent now because I am single, have my own place, car, and job. When I do get married and have children, people will be dependent upon me. So does that make me independent or dependable? Alice is officially down the rabbit hole with this one folks.

Maybe this internal hysteria is coming from my lack of success in finding Mr. Right. Maybe it is the fear of the unknown. How will I deal with being in a relationship when I have been alone my entire life? What kind of wife will I be? Will I be a good mother? Has my Mr. Right been hit by a Mack truck without me even knowing it? At this point I have more questions than answers which is not helping my anxiety. What I do know now, is that this “being single” part of my life will not (fingers crossed) last forever. And I am doing pretty good at it. And one day (knock on wood), my Mr. Right will come sauntering into my life, sweep me off my feet, and make me a happy wife and mother. One day. And then I will begin to define myself as a married women and mother, just as I have learned to define myself as a single woman. But for now I’ll be over here, being single and looking for a good therapist or a great pint of vegan ice cream.

Later Days,

B

Relaxation Through Kniting on the Chestnut Hill East Train

Public transportation is a glorious thing, especially when you are trying to get 50 thousand things done in a day. Thankfully, I live within walking distance to a train station and take regional rail to and from work every day. My ride is approximately 30 minutes each way which gives me an hour of “what to do with my life time.” I used to read, learn Spanish, troll Facebook, and post on Instagram during my commute while being surrounded by total strangers who I see very day, but now I put my time doing good use. Now I knit.

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My normal knitting situation

At first it was a means to an end. I was working on a rather large project with a strict deadline and needed to find time in the day to work on it. “Why not bring it on the train? You have nothing else to do with your time,” I thought to myself. I was a little apprehensive about working on it outside of my house and/or the yarn store. Would I be starred at? Would the constant clicking of my needles piss someone of? Would it get messed up? Would it end up smelling like the train? A thousand thoughts ran through my head, but in the end, into the bag and onto the train my knitting went.

And what a glorious decision it was. Soon, my ride wasn’t so bad. With each passing knit and purl stitch, my anxiety and stress disappeared. In the morning, I would walk into work with a feeling of accomplishment, and by the time I get home, I could actually function and not just sit on the edge of the bed contemplating the meaning of life while simultaneously trying to muster up enough energy to feed the dog, let alone workout.

I didn’t think anything of it. I was in my own little world on the Chestnut Hill East train. Ellie Goulding, Adele, Hillsong United, and Hamilton all provided the soundtrack for my knitting time. I soon figured out that if I sat down and got started right away, I could get three rows (153 stitches per row, you can do the rest of the math) done before my stop. Soon, the rows added up and the blanket, which I thought I was never going to finish, was simply perfect. One day, while taking a break to untangle my skeins, I noticed a young woman crocheting a scarf. A small smile appeared on my face and I said to myself, “There is someone else like me. Welcome to the club.”

And what are the side effects of not knitting? Not good. The past couple of days have provided some pretty crowded trains and alas, no knitting time. It was not god for my soul at all. I just wanted to break out my knitting, but I couldn’t. The shame, the horror of it all. Let’s just say, I am a lot happier when I knit..

I really didn’t think that anyone was watching me until Monday when I brought a new project on the train. An older woman tapped my on the leg and said, “You have a wonderful hobby. Did you finish the other project? It was so pretty. I need to take classes. My mother used to crochet, but I never picked it up. Have a great day.” That woman has no idea how good she made me feel that morning. I wanted to hug her, but that would have been a bit much. I practically skipped into work. And that wasn’t the only place my knitting has been. This one particular project made it to Barbados and back! Talk about begin held captive to 4 hours each way!

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Knitting at 30,000 feet

So now I am a card carrying member of the “I knit in public crowd” and I am damn proud of it. I am no longer afraid to whip my knitting out on a crowded train and breathe a sweet sigh of relief when I have a seat all to myself so I can spread out . If you’re a crafty person and take the train, bus, camel, or subway for the love off all the fluffy alpacas and sheep, bring you knitting with you! You will be amazed at how quickly the ride goes, how quickly you finish your projects and how relaxed.

Now, where is that sweater pattern I put down years ago?

Later Days

B

Goodbye My Sweet Bella Girl

The apartment is so quiet. The daily fights, hissing, and moaning are no more. Last week, I said goodbye to my cat. Don’t get me wrong, I have experienced the loss of three dogs before, but Bella was the first pet that I got on my own. I had just moved out of my parent’s house and into my first apartment. It was cool at first being all by myself, but soon it got too lonely. I always wanted a dog, but my complex had a strict no dog policy. I was about to become a cat person.
When I walked into the ASPCA, I didn’t know what I was looking for. I went into the cat room and started to look around. And there she was. We instantly connected. The tech said that he was waiting for someone like me to adopt her. I guess we were waiting for each other. Let’s just say that was the last cuddle we had, until it was time to say goodbye.
She was never the cuddly type. It took four days for her to stop hissing at me when she first came home. She let me know when she wanted to be touched. A rub against my leg, chewing my hair, snuggling my armpit, leaping onto my shoulders like it was nothing. These simple gestures that she let me know she loved me. She has her quirks. What cat like chocolate and olives? But it made her, her.
She was such a trooper when I brought the dog home. Not a fan of the kitten. I guess she thought, “I have broken in one newbie, why do I need to do this again?” But she held her own against the Tiny Feline Terrorist. How can I forget the epic cat fights, screeching from the bathroom, and cat boxing matches?
I should have known that something was wrong. I should have known that she wasn’t sleeping in the bed at night. I should have known that something wasn’t right. I didn’t realize it until last Saturday. She didn’t want to eat. She wasn’t laying down. She didn’t look like herself. When I picked her up I knew it was bad. She had lost a lot of weight and she was letting me hold her.
After picking up some wet food in last ditch attempt to get her to eat something, I called the vet. After listing her symptoms (pale ears, pale gums, and not appetite) they told me to rush her to the nearest emergency vet. I held it together long enough to get there and make it through the initial exam. I was not ready for what I would be told. She may have cancer, kidney disease, thyroid issues, or it’s just her time. I lost it. I didn’t care who saw me cry. How could it me over so soon? It seemed like only yesterday I got her. Now I was facing the idea of going home without her.
I knew I was making the right decision. Even though she was moving, her eyes were bright, she wasn’t herself. I made the toughest decision of my life. I choose to end her suffering. What was the point of putting her through test after test just to tell me that she has some disease that couldn’t be cured? That would just prolong my agony. Even though I was given the choice to be with her, I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be there when she took her last breath. Saying goodbye was hard enough. But I wasn’t the only one who was hurting.
Battista knew something wasn’t right as soon as I got home. Something was missing. His pal was gone. I tried to comfort him with treats and hugs, but it didn’t seem to help. He needed to grieve too.

As I sit here and type, a crying snotty mess, I remember the good times I had with her, and wish that this pain in my heart would just go away.

I would like to thank Keystone Emergency Vet on Main Street for taking care of her, and sending mw the sweetest card ever. It made me cry, but at least I know she was with caring people.

Rest well my sweet Bella girl. And keep Rascal, Rambo, and Frieda company for me.

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Love,
Mommy, Battista, and Bean