The Joys of Being Single and Maybe Not…
Yes, I proudly wave my single girl flag and shout it from the roof tops. The truth is, while I want to be in a relationship, being in a relationship doesn’t define me. I am perfectly happy going to concerts, dinner, and social outings by myself, but is being single all it’s cracked up to be?
I am totally comfortable and happy with being single and living life by my terms; however, there is a part of me that is longing to be a wife and mother. I look at my friends who are married, engaged, have kids, or dating and think “yeah them, but why not me?” Why am I over here, trying every dating site, app, happy hour and mixer in the world to find someone and I am still fucking single? Is the universe conspiring against me? Is this a mid-term exam? Is there anyone out there for me? Bueller? Bueller?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my independence. I can go wherever, whenever, and do whatever I want no questions asked. But at the end of the day, Battista and Bean are not the best conversationalists. They are more concerned with meals, snacks, tummy rubs, and kisses. It’s great, but it’s not enough. They don’t replace human interaction. It just feels like there is something missing in my life. It would be nice, really nice, to come home to someone, to share experiences, talk, snuggle, travel, to live life with. How do I overcome this hellacious paradigm of wanting to be free but wanting to settle down? Is it possible to really do both?
We hear it all the time that women can have whatever they want. But what if the two things that you want inherently contradict each other? I am independent now because I am single, have my own place, car, and job. When I do get married and have children, people will be dependent upon me. So does that make me independent or dependable? Alice is officially down the rabbit hole with this one folks.
Maybe this internal hysteria is coming from my lack of success in finding Mr. Right. Maybe it is the fear of the unknown. How will I deal with being in a relationship when I have been alone my entire life? What kind of wife will I be? Will I be a good mother? Has my Mr. Right been hit by a Mack truck without me even knowing it? At this point I have more questions than answers which is not helping my anxiety. What I do know now, is that this “being single” part of my life will not (fingers crossed) last forever. And I am doing pretty good at it. And one day (knock on wood), my Mr. Right will come sauntering into my life, sweep me off my feet, and make me a happy wife and mother. One day. And then I will begin to define myself as a married women and mother, just as I have learned to define myself as a single woman. But for now I’ll be over here, being single and looking for a good therapist or a great pint of vegan ice cream.